No Trousers

 So the C word was used by the very person who never uses the C word. It drifted gently in amongst a cavalcade of explanations of stem cell treatment outcomes. As soon as it landed I knew it was significant and I gently picked it up and gave it the prominence I hope it deserved. “I thought Cure was a dirty word” “ slip of the tongue, it’s important to manage expectations” The consultant was excited. There are numerous matches to my bone marrow in the database and one of them in particular exceeds expectations. Ideally the team will look for up to ten common markers in the bone marrow between donor and host to absolutely minimise the chances of rejection. They’ve found one with twelve common markers; a 22 year old Welshman. If conversations are productive then I’m set for a transfusion around mid. March. Stem cell transfer is not risk free; in fact there’s a 15% chance that the patient could die. On the other hand there’s an 85% chance they won’t. There’s then the period after the t...

Where shall we three meet again? In thunder lighting or in rain? When the hurly burley’s done When the battle’s lost and won That will be ere the set of sun Where the place? Upon the heath There to meet Macbeth It was about three in the afternoon and I found my bed surrounded by a nurse, an auxiliary and a doctor, all looking very worried. “We’re going to have to get you in a side room” said the nurse “When?” “Now!” Everything of mine visible was thrown onto my bed and I was wheeled out of the bay, down the corridor and into a side room like a student trolley dash or a 70s episode of Doctor at Large. I was quickly followed by my storage cupboard and all things excommunicated. I half expected a shout of “now stay out and don’t come back” I was fairly quickly offered an explanation that the infection on my line, which was still to be removed, was contagious and I needed to be isolated from others. In the meantime I would have the line removed and a cocktail of antibiotics to detect which...

 Captain’s log, star date 17012022. We  have  been trappedinadarkvoid for seven days. “SPOCK, what’s the latest?” “Ladbaby nailed the Christmas number one spot by shamelessly piggy backing Elton  John and Ed Sheeran by replacing every fifth word in their Christmas song with the words sausage roll” “It’s worse than I thought Spock. We need to get out of here now. Scotty! The only way we’re going to get out of here is if we fire our way out. Set ship’s photons on full power” “The engines canna take it Cap’n. We could lose the whole crew” “Scotty! I think we had this conversation. It doesn’t matter what I ask you tell me the engines canna take it. Have you ever considered an alternative career? Now do it, full power.” The Enterprise blasted out of the void at warp speed just after I sat down. After seven days I was no longer  constipated. It’s been a strange few days. After suffering very few side effects from the chemo treatment I was now nauseous, constipated, my...